she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
