Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
