this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
