the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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