drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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