I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
