just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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