I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
