Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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