and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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