also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
