I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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