I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
