I wish my penis had an off switch
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
