Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
