it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
