When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
