i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
