So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
