We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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