I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
