look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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