I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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