Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
