I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
