The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize