Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.