Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
