I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
