Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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