Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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