What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
