Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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