So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
