I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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