if only i could text you this smell
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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