I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
