Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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