he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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