sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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