im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
