I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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