I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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