HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
