I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
