the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I want to be your penis for a week.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
