So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
