He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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