my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
