I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
