So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
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I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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