I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
