My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
