Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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