What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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