he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
