Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
