Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
