Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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