my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
