we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
