I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
