first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated