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and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
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