Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
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what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
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Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.